Ending relationship with a best friend : How can we deal? How can we heal?

 

I started watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S again and watched the episode where Monica gets Rachel and Pheobe to decide on who would be her maid of honor. Rachel had a box collected with a few things for Monica’s wedding, from small days hoping to be her maid of honor. We all can relate to this, because in our generation we all have a childhood bestie who knew your weirdest secrets, heartbreaks, seen you at your ugliest, and accepted the worst version of you. Every best friend at some point in life, have owned you, taken responsibility to protect you from bad relationships and had fallouts with your exes. Every one of us has a Rachel to Monica, Blair to Serena and Christina to Meredith. The episode where Christina leaves Grey’s Anatomy, is way more heartbreaking than anyone dying because, alongside Meredith you grieve for that lost friendship. There are enough playbooks and guides to get over your bad boyfriends but not a single one about how to cope up when you lose your best friend.

Losing a best friend is extremely hard because you feel as if a part of you just left. It can be a fallout, a breakup or simply just losing a friend to any other circumstances. It could be your bestie migrating, a breach of friendship that is too hurtful to continue, or anything else. How do we deal with it? More importantly, how do we heal?

Acknowledge it is over, let yourself grieve

Most of the time, this is unprepared and it hurts you because that is one relationship you never expected to end. Falling out with a best friend who has been your soulmate or person when every other thing went wrong is difficult. It is not something you can brush off, or move on the next day. It is something that will take time to heal, your body will grieve, and it’s okay. Sit with your grief, understand what the loss means to you and accept those feelings wholeheartedly.

Moving on, get the closure you need

Like every other relationship, your friendship needs closure too. After accepting that this person won’t be there for you, understand critically what went wrong. Have you made any mistakes? How can you grow from it? After all, humans evolve, and self-reflection is the best way to do it. It is important to let yourself remember that there were good memories, and keep them a part of you as you carry on to the next phase.

Ask for help, it's okay

You can fall apart, lose yourself, or not know whom to turn to anymore. That is completely okay, healing requires acknowledging everything you feel and taking it one step at a time. You can seek help from other friends, peer groups, and family to overcome your loss. It might be important for your growth to fully comprehend what happened, and get genuine feedback and constructive criticism from people who care about you.

Cherish the friends who are there for you, don’t make it ugly, because who knows, sometimes you don’t choose friends, they are destined.

Set them free, if they are destined to be with you, they will always come back.

 

P.S. Having lost two best friends: one to Leukemia and another to Dengue; all I know is that life is too short to fight over silly stuff, also too short to be in toxic relationships.

Love in the time of Covid-19

I know a few couples who went rough patches during this time, and some who have parted ways. One day I asked my husband, why is that? What do you think of love in the time of Covid.

He said it either makes you or breaks you. Anyone experiencing change of relationships for better or for worse? I think it starts with you as an individual, Covid changed us as individuals completely to begin with, I don’t blame my husband for seeing me as an alien as I sure acted like one at some point.

There are some who actually aced through Covid (there were couples who got married despite so many postponed wedding dates), some survived it, some strengthened relationships with minimum hustle. For the ones who survived I’m sure gave you a completely different outlook. Here are few things that might have happened to us despite age during the new normal.

See the partner through magnified glasses

The habits you knew that existed in your partner heightens during the lockdown, the good, the bad and the ugly habits. In a normal circumstance, you go to work and come home whereas if it is a guy who smokes and wife knows this only partially would actually notice the no of times he smokes. If it is a wife who always speaks to friends on phone, husband despite how many years he was married would have been oblivious to this until he is stuck with her during lockdown to notice it (no not me, unfortunately I was WFH didn’t have time for phone conversations), so during Covid, we see our partner through magnifying glasses. Seeing the unseen and seeing it differently, or things you suddenly notice. These habits become very magnified, blurring the rest of the habits, living in one shared space during lockdowns – I don’t blame anyone for having blurry lines.

Accepting the crazy person you turned out to be during lockdown

Anyone else acted like a crazy person during Covid? We humans fear change, reluctant to accept impermanence despite lord Buddha’s preaching, we suffer. We like stability and certainty. Covid meddled with all that, took away our sanity, security and for some of us even finances took a hit with losing jobs to pay cuts. Psychologically, we try to adapt to all these changes and while doing that we react, to everything that happens around us. Out of fear, out of wanting to protect ourselves and family we act like crazy people. I screamed at my husband for going to find butter for a neighbour during lockdown (yes I still think it was unnecessary) but if I had accepted who he is on a magnified sense (someone who would go out of the way to help someone else) I wouldn’t have reacted in that manner. Each individual adapt, react and respond differently to change, sometimes it wont sync with the other partner, despite how much you say ‘my better half’ he or she is a completely different person adapting to things differently, at a completely different pace.

Micromanagers are born

During Covid, we lost control, we lost control of jobs, social life, security to many things. As a natural instinct, when you lose control in one aspect, you try to control something else. Unfortunately for some of us, we had to embrace over controlling, micromanaging partners. On a normal day, micromanagers have their outlets, be it baking, gym, any other hobby that lets them completely take control. But Covid didn’t give you much resources during lockdown nor space, and it ended up trying to control spouses more and for people who are already victims of micromanagers, it became a deal breaker.

TMI everywhere

Unfortunately for us, Sri Lankan media did a terrible job during Covid. Ridiculously worthless information with no takeaway, there was no accuracy in some, it just freaked people out and many didn’t know what to believe. Again, humans like structure and process, when there was contradicting information overflowing with no one knowing which source to trust, it didn’t help, not when it meddled with your mind and boosting your anxiety levels.

The truth is Covid changed us, all of us psychologically, emotionally and physically. The only way to combat it is accepting that it changed us, accepting that it changed our partners and our priorities. Once you understand how and what triggered these changes, learning to look at it differently with a new perspective would be helpful, realigning your priorities with the partner’s giving each other space to adapt and accept the new you and respecting the difference while supporting the transition is the only thing you can do. Afterall, tough times come, bad days happen, life changes and we adapt, we reconcile, we move on with faith and love for better or for worse.

Patriarchy in the workplace! Let’s try and change it shall we?

 

DIG Bimshani was officially removed from her duties as the DIG in charge, this news threw me off a couple of days back. I saw a lot of memes on about a low Sri Lankan mindset and mentality. Is patriarchy in the workplace common in other countries or it is just Sri Lanka. A leading conglomerate appointed a female CEO a year back, we had the first female prime minister, however Sri Lanka currently stands 116 out of 156 in the global gender gap report in 2021. We are not doing good, but what are we doing to change it?

I have always believed that skills, talent and competencies should trump race, sex or religion in the workplace. No I’m not a feminist, I never have been, but I’m grateful to them for fighting for equal opportunity. Lord Buddha didn’t allow ordination of women for multiple reasons, but for the first time in the history of any religion, he declared that men and women are equal on spiritual grounds, stating that women were capable of attaining spiritual enlightenment being a human despite race, cast or gender.  Starting from ordination, women have forever fought for equality in opportunity.

I was chatting to two of my closest friends: a hot shot sales manager in Melbourne and the other being a tech manager in a global company in the UK. I realized it is a very common, unresolved problem. They admitted with examples how difficult it is for women to climb up the corporate ladder and how tough it is to get that absolutely deserving promotion. Bullying women in a workplace more than men is true, no equal pay for women is a fact.

Many women say ‘I prefer working for men’, ‘women bosses are so difficult to work with’. Why is that? There are lesser women in senior management and the workplace has become a male oriented culture. Because of this toxic masculinity, women unconsciously tend to copy men who are in a powerful place, women tend to uphold to the persona that was built, women have become ruthless and demanding. It is important to be empowered believe in your potential and avoid personifying and living the persona drastic changes could happen.

Women are built with nurturing hormones and maternal instincts. Unfortunately, this beautiful innate quality becomes a curse in the workplace. A woman can be labeled as ‘too emotional’ or ‘dramatic’ when they tend to speak up or bring in a completely different opinion to the table. Women are empathetic by nature and tend to care about coworkers and that has become a key differentiator for an employer, especially during the pandemic, it was important to be empathetic leaders. Research has shown that having women at top positions and diversity has brought in higher employment and better bottom-line.

“A McKinsey Global Institute report finds that $12 trillion could be added to global GDP by 2025 by advancing women's equality.”

In Sri Lanka, women might not bond with male superiors over a smoke neither join drinks in a dingy joint after work. Respecting that choice, respecting that she is going home to her husband and children is important in selecting your next employer.

Ladies, if you are a woman with power in your hand in an organisation, use that to make a change. Women are multi-taskers by nature, let’s use it to empower our female colleagues, we are caring, let’s use it to mentor great leads, and we are emotionally intelligent, let’s use it to be more empathetic. Let’s use it to fight patriarchal mindset in a workplace, let’s fight to bring in that equality for a colleague who is scared to fight for herself.

 

 

Micromanagement – The ultimate relationship destroyer!

 

Nagging wives, dominating husbands, possessive fathers, anxiety stricken mothers, nitpicking bosses… Does it sound common? All of us have been micromanaged more than once by our family and immediate family, I can’t find anyone who is not micromanaged. I think my father is the only one I can think of. Because he is both a dominating husband and a possessive father and he is his own boss. A legend in his bubble. Apart from him, I cannot think of any.

We often speak about micromanaging leaders, and how it reflects on one’s insecurities and anxieties. But we often don’t speak about how we are being micromanaged in relationships and the damage it does to such relationships.

Recently I was making cordial, it is not rocket science. Pour cordial, pour water and mix. My husband who is the king of the kitchen walks by, instructs me how to stir it. This was in front of my in-laws so I didn’t make a scene I just said with an eye roll ‘I know how to make cordial’. In his defense, out of the two, I’m the one who micromanage or as husbands call it ‘nags’ the most. “bubba eat” or “drink your medicine”. What I never realized is although I say these within logic and reason, these are how spouses micromanage each other. (these are subjective, my husband might have lunch at 5pm and complain about gastric the next day) I believe that spouses should not give instructions, but give space to do things within their boundaries while giving each other space to grow.

The relationship which has no control over is a boss and employee and mostly parents. What we don’t realise is that over a period of time, the relationship evolves and it comes to a point where the victim outgrows being micromanaged and looks for an exit strategy, which will destroy the relationship completely.  In a working environment, employee would leave and hence the quote ‘employees leave bosses not the company’ becomes a favorite. Parents usually micromanage in a completely different way, even to the extent where parents want their offspring to marry a choice of their own. A psychologist I know recently advised a parent on this. She said that it is important for a person to take responsibility and accountability for their own actions which gives the ability to deal with circumstances. Children are pressurized and managed, mostly these children either fall-out with parents at a certain stage or become dependent on parents forever in a very damaging way. Have you met men who say: That’s not how my mother cooks dhal to wives?

 The whole ‘Our children don’t speak to us, they don’t tell anything to us’ saga or empty nest syndrome could happen due to the fact that these children have outgrown being micromanaged, and finally enjoying peace.

A person who is being micromanaged is not putting his or her 100% effort towards the relationship, there is lack of energy and creativity towards the role and it will ruin eventually. Relationship gets destroyed in different ways, children may turn rebellious, fall out or completely cut contacts with parents who are overly possessive to get rid of toxic parenting.  Spouses could take ultimate routes, try to find comfort in extra marital relationships, and employees will be less productive, and ultimately will leave the company. It is important to set rules or guidelines but it is also important to develop decision making skills and respect the boundaries as humans.

Take time to think, are you micromanaging anyone in your life? Why are you doing it? Do you respect your relationship enough to make a change? If yes, then do it. Start with baby steps. Let your spouse, child, parent, subordinate make decisions which involves their lives. Let them live the way they want, have faith and trust and believe that they will do it to the best of their ability even if it is a decision you completely disagree with.

P.S. Watch out, your spouse might make your house an aquarium if you give too much of space :P

Leadership lessons from the late Prince Philip, a King without a Crown.

 

After watching Crown, I became a huge fan of Prince Philip: regardless of the accuracy of facts and portrayal, his charisma and his strength of a character hits you to the core. His persona and enigma is to die for, and what makes it so real is that he never tried to change who he is through the journey of portraying one of the toughest roles to date.  Leadership traits and behaviors comes in many forms and twists, it is safe to say that the late Prince set an example to many modern leaders despite of being born to a completely different era.

The ‘best second in command’ any leader could have.

Something that often is being said by the leaders on top, it is very lonely at the top. The more higher you climb in the organizational hierarchy, the lonely you get with less and less colleagues to share things with. Every leader needs a No 2, to share troubles and triumphs equally with, Prince Philip treated the queen as another person, as a human being. He was her biggest cheerleader, her strength, her rock. He gave his support and his input to her, while knowing his limits but also knowing when and where she needed him to step up. He encouraged her, guided her and stood beside her through multiple prime ministers to multiple great grandchildren protecting the monarchy, legacy and protecting his queen.

He left his male ego at the door

He left his ego in the aircraft when he was asked to walk two steps behind the queen for the first time when the couple came to London after King George’s death. He was a prince in Greece, an alpha male, head strong personality who accepted the circumstances and gave prominence to the queen. When Queen Elizabeth was crowned as the queen, he had to bow down and pay homage to the queen. His purpose changed, his role was merely to support the queen. Not just once, but during several times he always put his purpose first. He knew the importance of monarchy, he gave it priority while serving the country and the queen for the longest he could.

He wasn’t scared to be bold

He dared to be bold, he was a war hero, and probably why he looked at things differently. He was probably the only one in the royal family who said what he said, and addressed it as it is. He took calculated risks, he encouraged the queen to try out new things within reason as well. He changed with times, and ensured the leadership and institution changed along with it too. He insisted that queen’s coronation should be live telecast on TV and it indeed had a record breaking viewership. Further he convinced the Royal family to do a documentary to show the human aspect of them to general public.

Strength of character undeniable

He was fiercely independent, self-sufficient and opinionated. He is known to be inquisitive and a deep thinker who is competitive. He was a rising star at Navy, who could have undoubtedly been a huge star had he continued. For a personality so strong, to follow a strict set of rules, abide by it and putting purpose first needs a huge amount of strength of character. However his independence was not something that could be kept down, he drove even at the age of 96 and did many things he wanted to do. A doer by nature all his roles and services involved supporting people to action out, experience and learn.

Driven by an unwavering level of duty and strength and dignity, he transformed his role of conventional consort to be a king, a king who didn’t need a crown to be a king.

 

 

How to know if your boss is a bully!

 

We all blame Meghan Markel for washing dirty linen in public, but did she really? On the contrary, don’t you think that she spoke about what she felt because her emotional intelligence was high enough to understand the damage it was causing her wellbeing and mental health so she knew when to quit?

When I talk to my friends outside Sri Lanka, they mention that everyone in Lanka complain about heavy workload and high levels of stress during lockdown and WFH period. Whereas many other developed countries take well-being and mental health very seriously, while we don’t, and we use it to our advantage with our peculiar mindset to think: “ah they must be sleeping during afternoon without doing any work” or “these people don’t work from home, let me load them with work’’ But is it the truth really? I’ve actually lost count when people used to tell me “oh you work from home? Must be getting an afternoon nap ah”

While we are made to believe that we are extremely lucky to have our jobs during Covid, I have heard many incidents where employees quit their jobs because their bosses couldn’t handle the organizational pressure that came hand in hand with Covid19. Basically the bosses were being ‘Assholes” so they had no choice but to quit. Which is an alarming sign, the ones who realise the impact make decisions whereas the ones who don’t realise it will release the pressure elsewhere, either on wives, children or take extreme measures to end their lives.

We all like to think that our bosses are bullies sometimes. But are they truly? Or are we over dramatizing ourselves because of our incompetency’s, workload and personal drama. It is important to know if you are being bullied, because the more unaware you are of it, the greater the impact will be on your life, both physical wellbeing and mental health. Bullying doesn’t mean abusing you verbally or physically, it also means shouting, belittling you, not giving constructive criticism but ඔහේ go on criticizing without giving feedback, or withholding information from you to do your job. Here are few red flags that your boss might be a bully.

Your boss doesn’t offer constructive criticism. Instead of giving constructive feedback do they give useless, meaningless feedback coming across as an insult, yes it is a red flag.

You are never appreciated. You know your performer by hard work and you achieve your KPI’s but it is never enough, instead of appreciating he chooses to belittle you and put you down or indicate that you are not good enough.

Your boss only focuses on revenue, not people. They don’t care if your career goals or your personal growth, they only care about numbers and revenue. Yes it is a red flag

Authority baby, he wants to approve every single thing to the cent. All projects to minor decisions has to be signed off and approved by him.

You are asked to do things outside your moral character. While these could be small requests, but if it questions your integrity then it is a definite red flag.

You are expected to figure things on your own. Your boss doesn’t guide you or give you information to do your job, instead they blame it on you unnecessarily.

Your boss is demeaning and rude. He yells or shouts for no reason, yes it is a big red flag too.

 

What should you do about it?

Firstly identify, understand and accept that it is not you. Take notes, evaluate the situation carefully. How toxic is it for you? Try and evaluate and understand how much it affects you and your mental health. If they makes you feel as if you are not good enough or that they always belittle you, then cut the cord, and move out. Nothing it worth letting it affect your mental wellbeing and sanity. How they treat you is their problem, not yours.  Why should you become a victim? Once you understand you have been bullied, speak to
someone about it. Speak to your support system, get clarity, and speak to your HR.

When you finally learn that a person’s behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle that it ever did with you, you learn grace. Learn the lesson and gracefully bow out. If Meghan Markel left a palace after all, you can leave a toxic workplace.

 

Being Sri Lankan is not a birth right, it is a choice !

 When Easter attacks happened, one of my friends who had migrated said “thank god we left Sri Lanka”. It’s not the first or the last, I’ve heard hundreds of them from different people “Aiyo why aren’t you’ll applying for PR”, “there’s no future in Sri Lanka”, “Politicians have ruined it, there’s no hope”

We’ve let our country be ruined, we’ve abandoned it, we’ve taken it for granted. We’ve watched our motherland get screwed, we’ve waited. Our country will only change when its people will change for better, when its people are grateful.

Being Sri Lankan is a choice in a world where countries allow you to skill migrate, asylum migration and we find 101 fraudulent ways to get out of this island.

Being Sri Lankan to me, is not a birth right, it’s a choice. I will choose her among continents, among luxury, among thousands of “better life” in other lands, I will choose her, without a pause, without a doubt, i will choose to be Sri Lankan, always. In a heartbeat.

සසර වසන තුරු ... නිවන් දකින තුරු... පින් කෙත හෙළ රන් දෙරණේ යලි උපදින්න ට... හේතු වාසනා වේවා... හේතු වාසනා...!

Cheating Vs Forgiveness, how far will you go?

 

Relationship experts say that it generally takes 1 to 2 years to forgive a cheating spouse. Some may forgive immediately, some may take a few months, others a year or two, and some may never fully forgive.

We talk about cheaters, we say once a cheater is always a cheater, but we don’t give much credit for the ones who forgive the cheaters in a relationship, do we?

Be it a man or a woman, being in the receiving end sucks. The one person you share your life, your intimate details, your insecurities and vulnerabilities chooses to share it with someone else without your knowledge. It sucks, it’s like going through hell and back. Cheating doesn’t only count for a physical relationship, it also means letting your mind or heart think, double think or triple think about someone else intimately. When we went to Pre Cana classes before getting married, (these are pre marriage classes conducted by the Catholic Churches in Sri Lanka) they spoke about infidelity and how one should deal with it, rather cope up with it. They said, forgive. I was not able to comprehend the ‘forgive and move on’ part, it needs a so much of guts and an immeasurable amount of grace to do it. I believe that grace is something that are not born with, we need to practice to be graceful every single day. 

Then there are ones who are ignorant about being cheated on, or choose not to see it. I’m sure all of us have had that girlfriend who has a partner who was cheating in a very obvious way, we all have gone through the phase of telling her about it, then we all go through the phase of watching being in denial and getting married to him. No. watching her getting married is not the worst part, when she finally catch him red handed, once and then twice, and finally decide to part ways is the worst part. Having to watch your best friend, your sister or your daughter collecting their hopes, dreams and that tiny bit of dignity to walk away to rebuild her life with zero self-confidence is the worst part.  

I never believed in forgiving a cheater anyway, I will lose respect and will never be able to see eye-to-eye with someone who cheated on me. That’s me, refusing to have any ounce grace in what so ever. But then, there are so many humans who forgive their partners, treat them well and live with them for the rest of their lives. I may not agree with them, but I do have a massive amount of respect for them. Recently I was reading Rishi Kapoor’s biopic, he starts about his father (ultra famous Raj Kapoor) with the line:

He was also a man in  love – at the time, unfortunately with someone other than my mother.

To accept that his father loved another woman while being married to his mother, publicly, needs a lot of balls. I found it intriguing and amazing. He also mentions how his mother knew about it throughout, and how she welcomed Nargis to her house 20+ plus years later by telling Nargis that she has no bad feelings in her heart about her. Raj Kapoor’s wife, Krishna Raj is known as the iron lady in the industry for her courage and resilience. Then Raj Kapoor’s name was linked with another actress, and Krishna left him with children, lived in a hotel for 8 months till he ended that relationship for good.

‘There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That’s when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all’

Some people say, it is possible to build a stronger and a better relationship after one has cheated.  What are the side effects of it, can you trust them again? Can you respect them the same way?

Would you believe in second chances, or are you a strong beholder of ‘people don’t cheat by chance, people cheat by choice’? How many times would one bite the dust? Will someone tolerate cheating twice? I have come across so many who have forgiven and accepted the person for a first time, but haven’t met any who has forgiven in second time. Would you have grace and a really big heart to give someone a third chance?

3 un-orthodox things to check when finding the ‘right marketer’

‘’There are no great marketers !

There are no marketers who understand what we want!

 There here is no one who can execute our marketing strategy.’’

 

I’ve heard these many times from many people I’ve met across borders. Finding a good marketer, or the right marketer for your company or product is a challenge. Especially with social media, mobile apps, free design templates coming into play, everyone is a marketer. There are no barriers to become a marketer with so many digital marketing certificates to complete the checklist. When every Tom, Dick and Harry knows marketing, it becomes a struggle to get the right pitch across because everyone in the leadership team or product team has seen something ‘cool’ somewhere online and they insist that your product has the same pitch. In this confused digitally savvy era, finding a real marketer who ‘gets you’ could be challenging. Why? Because a majority of the gen-Z marketers will not argue with the ‘wanna be marketers’ in your organisation, they might finally settle to execute the ‘cool’ pitch, or just do it as a job, to take their paycheck home. This is where you define your boundaries in finding a good one, you find one with a passion.

 
Passionate.

This doesn’t mean being passionate about the job only, it means being passionate about every single thing that he or she lives for. Family, job, colleagues, hobbies, everything. Only someone passionate can create something within the heart, be connected with both brain and heart. Yes, thinking from the heart is very important in marketing, because at the end of the day your pitch is for humans. It is for real people, and they feel emotions and emotions play a big role in relating to a product or service no matter how tech savvy or innovative it is.

Tip – If you are head-hunting or recruiting, check their social media profiles other than LinkedIN. See how passionate they are about things on a day today basis. Ask random questions at an interview, ask what their favourite TV show is. If you watch it too, ask about a character in it. Their answers and insights might surprise you and give you a better insight about the person.

 

Empathetic and an active listener.

Something I’ve personally tried hard to develop over the years, these two traits could be interlinked or connected. Not everyone can give a good brief neither everyone can give constructive feedback, it is important that your core marketing person listens actively, not just listen to defend their pitch but to listen carefully on what rest of the team has to say. If the CEO thinks the copy is bad, it probably is, they need to understand why he thinks it is bad. It is important they know how to read between the lines, and be an empathetic communicator.

Tip – As a practice, if you don’t like the artwork and don’t understand to explain why, always ask questions. This would make you understand it better and make them understand you better. Always narrate a scenario at an interview, ask them to give you a swift response as to what they do. You will understand the quick thinking and strategy through discussions like this.

 

Similar understanding and ‘your kinda’ taste

Understanding your buyer persona, the brand voice, tone and

pitch is important.

 ‘This doesn’t look classy’, ‘This looks very …… says something extremely racist’’’ are some offhand comments that gets thrown at a marketing team on a daily basis. Your key communicator has to have a deep sense of understanding of your buyer persona, have your kinda taste, he or she should be able to read your mind, know exactly what you want to say in a media release. S/he has to be on your same level of thinking. We all come from different schools, backgrounds, our different acquired tastes and colour pallets, what you think is right may not be right at all. But what would help you is to have someone who understands your thinking so it makes everyone’s job easy in a marketing campaign or launch.

Tip – At an interview, get them to do a media release or an elevator pitch for you. Get them to narrate a story board of your dream event, see if you tick. Chemistry is very important here.

 

Marketing people are a different breed, if they know what is trending in Netflix or YouTube, be happy, that means that they are passionate and interested in their industry. Find someone who speaks the same language (not literally), who can read your mind, know your buyer persona’ in and out, after all compatibility is key.

 

Are you having Covid Anxiety too? Here are few ways to identify how !

A couple of years ago I realized that I have anxiety; I noticed it when one of my closest friends passed away suddenly. I was terrified that someone else close to me will die, it took me a while to grasp the reality and I always thought what I felt was real, I assumed the worst case scenario, panic if I hear that someone is sick, doesn’t necessarily have to be someone close to me. If I see an online news of someone dying, I used to read through to see why that person died, and then I assumed that it would happen to someone around me too. This was a mental battle between me, myself and I, which took a toll on myself, my health and my relationship with my then boyfriend (current husband). Although I tried to leave this aside as a one off incident, I realized that it kept triggering when there are situations beyond my control. Covid catastrophe was a big trigger for me. I also realized that I was not alone in this, yes there are so many going through what I go through in different ways, in different situations (I have a friend who is having anxiety because his wedding got postponed) and that it is common. I felt a sense of relief, not because of people who are suffering, but because there are remedies for people who are struggling to overcome things like this.

I’m a worrier by nature, there are so many like me, who constantly worry about something. It is normal to worry when your child falls sick, it is normal if your parents are sick, but if you always assume the worst case scenario and panic about it, then it is not as normal as you think it is. If something bothers you too much that it affects your sleep, your routine, your day today activities then you might be a worrior and having stress or maybe anxiety. You can push it to the back of your head thinking, oh it is not important to sort it but it actually is.

Why is it important to identify your stress and anxiety?

It might affect you long term, affect your relationship with your family members, your job, most importantly your health. Long term stress and anxiety can develop into high blood pressure, diabetes and literally age you. The wrinkles, fine lines, grey hair.. all of that.

How to identify?

It doesn’t necessarily have to be suicidal thoughts or feel depressed it could also be having irrational fears, a significant change in sleeping habits, having vivid dreams, a significant change in eating habits or a prolonged low mood.

Stress and anxiety are not always a bad thing. They are natural, short-term reactions that people need to stay safe, it happens because you care, because you care too much maybe. So admitting it is nothing to be ashamed of.

How to handle it?

It is normal to have it during this period; you are facing many lifestyle differences, pay cuts, cooking all day, working from home and the list goes on. There are many ways to cope up with it, try breathing exercises daily, do a bit of exercise even if it means just dancing to your favourite music, meditating or do something that calms you down. There are apps on your phone which helps you calm down, there are exercises which you can also check on YouTube.

Importantly, identify what triggers it, when you understand it, it will be easy to overcome it. It is necessary to know that you cannot control everything, and there are certain things, which is beyond our control, like the current situation. What you can do is, do the best you can and look after yourself. There are always people who you can speak to, someone who will help you get out of it too. I have two amazing friends who do therapy online, super easy to talk your  heart out to : Beautiful Minds Counselling & Rasini Bandara. 

Working in a Covid filled world is not normal. You should not be upset or be upset if your work collegues are not fully functioning at highest productivity levels.It is important to understand that you need time to process the grief that comes with the loss of your former work life and social life.

Do drop me a message if you need any support or a helping hand if you are having stress or anxiety, always remember that you are not alone in this.

Picture Credits - https://metro.co.uk/

To all you single ladies.... why you shouldn't just SETTLE !

I’ve gone through it all, the hustle and bustle of being a Lankan girl. I've had the Lankan aunties and uncles going 'ill find you a nice boy' phase, 'why still single' phase and now I’m going through the 'have a baby soon’ phase. There was one aunty telling me ෂාහ් රුක් ඛාන් ල වගේ නටන්න පුළුවන් මිනිස්සු හම්බවෙන්නේ නැ . උයන්න පුළුවන් හුස්බන්ඩ් ල හීනෙන් තමයි. So basically she told me to settle with whoever who came my way.

Then there was one who told me that height doesn’t matter, her argument was that generally Sri Lankan men are short, so I should marry a short Sri Lankan man. Someone told me that romantic guys don’t exist, they only exist in hindi movies and I should stop watching these nonsense.

For the record I never wanted a 6 footer, neither I wanted a man who is like Shah Rukh Khan. He is a 50+ plus year old man romancing twenty year old girls on screen, who on their right minds want to marry that? But I think somewhere down the line god must have felt extremely sorry for me for listening to all these bullshit so gave me a romantic husband who can cook damn well.

Many might argue with me on this, but I think the generation before us was the most messed up generation. They settled in their marriages, believed that women should settle at a certain age, or their biological clock goes bonkers, should listen to their husbands or boyfriends who take you for granted and then have a big wedding and marry soon without wasting time. I know many who have done this and ended up in divorces. Marrying the wrong person can make you feel lonelier than you ever were. No man or woman can make you happy unless you are with your life. That is the universal truth.

There are different phases in twenties and thirties, that single ones come across, and dealing with it without letting it get to you is the only way out. No one, should marry for the sake of marrying, trust me you are better off single unless you find that person you absolutely love and want to spend the rest of your life with. I've met some amazing people who are very happy staying single, I always envied them. 

I will find a niceeee boy for you

This depends on where you are in life, if you feel that you are emotionally ready to get married and be open to meet a few guys, let them try. There is no harm. There was this one time when I was single for a long time when aunties went ‘ඇත්තටම කව්රුත් නැද්ද’ My reply was ‘නෑ aunty හොයල දෙන්නකෝ’ as a joke but some took it very seriously :P and one gave me the whole shah rukh khan type talk.

Proposals do work most of the time

If your parents, aunts uncles and the entire world are looking for proposals, let them. Don’t be stressed, no one will force you to marry someone. If you have watched ‘Love is blind’, ‘Too hot to handle’ or ‘Married at first sight’ on Netflix you will understand  even in the western world, that many people crave for relationships, ready to explore with an open mind and there are people who are ready to get married. So don’t be ashamed, it can be torture sometimes, but do it with an open mind, you can always talk about them to your girl gang jokingly if it turns out to be horrible.

Biological clock is ticking !

Please don’t marry because you are aging, or someone has a timeline as to when you should have kids. Kids are extremely expensive, hard work and a lot of energy. Unless you and your partner are ready for this, don’t do it for the sake of doing it. The kid doesn’t deserve it, last thing a child want is unhappy frustrated parents to grow up to.

Don’t settle for the sake of settling

If you have a partner and it is not heading towards marriage, don’t force it. A man or a woman, absolutely have to be ready to be married. Those tiny quirks and the habits you notice while you date, are going to magnify when you are married. You have to be ready for all of it, it is not as rosy as it looks but with the right person it can be easy and pretty great too. You both need to be on the same page with this, you cannot rush a marriage, the ones who do have ended up in disasters because parents have pushed them to get married soon. No one is going to live with them but you, that person will be there for you through sickness, pay cuts, covid anxiety to all of it, so don’t do it to satisfy anyone else. But if you too have a timeline in your head and your partner doesn’t seem ready ever, then that’s something to address.

They won’t change after marriage

We are in the 21^st century, yes it is nice to have someone to share your life with, it can be hell if it is not the right person. But you cannot change a person after you marry them, if there are life threatening habits yes you can force a person, but otherwise they will only change if they absolutely want to and most likely, it won’t happen according to your plan or timeline. Certain things will never change.

Be happy with yourself; find happiness within, your career, your looks, your life. Be open minded for a relationship, relationships in thirties work more because you know what makes you tick and what makes you happy. If you find a partner in the right mindset, miracles and fairytales will happen. You both need to be with the right mindset at the right time. Mills and Boons stories, hindi movie plots, Netflix rom-coms… all these were created based on true stories, your love story might be right around the corner, so wait for it.

Don’t settle !

So much hatred for local celebrities in Sri Lanka – Who gets their Social Media Mantra right?

During this quarantine, my best friend and I shared local celebrity Instagram posts with each other for the kicks of it. Some are real horrors but some actually put a lot of effort to produce interesting content to their audience, mostly because of their massive following.  Two people that often popped up on our Instagram explorer are Shanudrie & Dinakshie.  I haven’t watched any tele drama or movie of either of them, neither has my friend but the level of engagement they have on their pages are impressive. Shanudrie sings, posts recipes, which look quite good whereas Dinakshie posts dance videos, updates on gardening etc. Now what interesting here is the level of hatred they get. So many comments on posts, some are ridiculous to the extent that you wonder how can anyone be so jobless. But most of these comments are from fake accounts, so clearly none of these people have balls to say it with identity or authority. I watched a live video to realize that they actually get filth posted, utter Sinhala filth. No one obviously apart from their family and friends know them personally, so how can anyone insult someone on such a personal level?

Apart from our monitoring, judging and sharing opinions, we also realized how they keep their social media game on point.

Being candid and giving unexpected responses

Dinakshie gives it back, kudos to her. Very rarely, you find anyone who posts a sassy reply to burn them off, but she does it, speaks her mind. I haven’t seen many local artists being realistic or genuine much. Mahela trolls fans on Twitter too in a funny way (I don’t like him because for a whole bunch of reasons). Its mostly edited pictures, wanna be influencers or ‘its all about themselves’ posts. Lack of authenticity is a big NO NO today, whether you are popular or not, no one wants to read fake posts or promoted content anymore. It is all about storytelling and giving something to takeaway. One might argue, what can you take away watching a video of Dinakshie dancing to a song of Kalank? Inspiration for starters. I know nothing about dancing but I shared it with my friend who is also a dancer and told her that she should dance it out at home too.

Being honest and intimate.

People decided that Dinakshie posts too many pictures with Saranga. They get very vocal about it too, posting comments on their pictures. I think everyone in life goes through a phase when they in their relationship, newly dating or newly married, and the need to post on social media, many newly wedded wives do, I did too. It is not to show off your relationship nor to show the world that you are happy, just because… you feel like it. I don’t see anything wrong. I remember the same happening to Priyanka Chopra with her husband, India hated their desi girl marrying a pardesi but hey it’s her life, right? Then there was this local actress who posted pictures in her night clothes early morning with her husband, with a caption : ‘Good Morning World’ (me and my friend thought that she looked very satisfied in the picture, husband not so much :P) This is a different level of intimacy altogether which any audience would not want to know.  

Catering to their audience – fan engagement !

Few things on social media, which I noticed that these two girls keep it flowing with engagement: TikTok videos, YouTube channel, Facebook & Instagram stories. Going live on Instagram, posting engaging content on and off. I think despite all these haters, these girls are on point with their social media branding, many things we all can learn from. TikTok is not for every audience though, if you are a lawyer or a cricketer or a lecturer : no one, NO ONE wants to watch you dancing on TikTok. One for the road maybe, but not every week.

Not endorsing everything !

You come across influencers today who endorse every bloody thing, and some wear free clothes everywhere and shamelessly post it by tagging the sponsors too. Two things gone wrong here, while you disrespect the brand, which you promote, you bring your self esteem down too by posting about every freebee that comes your way. I think it is important for any brand to identify an influencer who would complement their brand and likewise. I saw an advertisement of a cricketer sleeping with a bat on a mattress, I couldn’t stop ta-alking about itself for a long long time to my husband who didn’t like it at all (for obvious reasons)

P.S. I remember Sanga posting pictures of a renown designer of a female clothing brand – who we all know is his friend, so didn’t make much sense. 

Bottom line, there are many people like me, my friend and many Sri Lankan aunties and uncles in who judge, then bitch, then form assumptions about it. No matter how much time someone invests on a fake post trying to be miss goody two shoes, people are going to dis (ce ammata) you. So be authentic, be yourself (not too much if you are weird), be spontaneous, share your mistakes, your learning curve, your journey with you fans. Be the star you want to be, whether you are famous or not. Your honesty can create wonders and many genuine followers who actually admire you for who you are!

Picture Credits : https://brolly.com.au/gov-news/social-media-influences-are-everywhere-these-days-including-government/

Ghosted? Cushioned? Benched? The Millennial Relationship Checklist !

Being in our thirties, my husband and me have had been through 'taken for granted', being cushioned, being played out in our twenties in past relationships. Sometimes over a drink, when we have a chat about our past, I always wonder why didn’t we end up together few years before. We had to go through the rough patches, to tough stretches to maybe value each other more. We are grateful to god, good karma, and thanks to many other idiots, we are together today. But then you see people taken for granted, being played out… where you wish, so wish that you could blurt it out loud and say ‘honey you are being used, get out of that relationship’ but you cant. Because they themselves have to realise it, see it on their own and call it off.

What are these signs? It definitely may differ from person to person and from what you expect out of a relationship, but some are common for us all. 

1.        Cushion, cushioned, cushioning !

''Nothing is sexier than a man or woman who can face temptation and have the level of maturity to say ‘this isn’t worth losing what I have’’

Cushioning is doing exactly opposite. Cushioning is having many side kicks to keep you comfy and cushy. They have layers of cushions, someone to message on social media with, someone to chat with, someone to talk on the phone with, someone to be intimate with… the list can go on. Some people cushion early in a relationship, when things are still uncertain, but the worst cases happen when someone can do it when they are in a serious relationship.

2.       Bread-crumbing !

I’m sure we all have come across being breadcrumbs at some point. Flirty, fun, casual texts and social media reactions to give you a subtle hint that they might be interested in you but doesn’t take it forward, and some might have a perfect couple picture on social media. So yes, if someone is breadcrumbing you, just bring it openly to the table. There might be a hidden partner who knows nothing about these flirty bombs that he drops.

You should not be a crumb, or dessert, you deserve to be the whole bloody 5 course meal. Move out, if you feel any less than that, believe me it’s not worth it.

3.       Benching

This is what a cushioner would do to you. You are reserved as a girlfriend, or boyfriend. But there is no progress. Many years of dating, but no clear commitment to marry you. If they want to wait till their other sibling gets married to introduce you to their parents, trust me, there’s something wrong. They love attention, flirting, texts and likes on their Facebook profile picture but you are definitely not number one in their lives. Maybe you were at one point, but right now they have so many options altogether but keeping you as a safety net.

Stand up from the damn bench, its time to wake up.

4.       Ghosting or The Slow Fade

Many know what ghosting is, it is completely cutting communication suddenly without any warning. The Slow Fade is cutting it out slowly, giving so many excuses, less meet ups, less and less interest, minimal communication. “I’m so busy at work’’ ‘'I worked late today, came home late’’ it can be even something super simple like this.

If you feel that you are being a victim, address the white elephant. Don’t wait.  

There’s no hard and fast rule, but if your heart says there’s something wrong probably there is. If you feel that he or she might be cheating on you or your friend, the odds are that they are. If you want to have a long phone call every day, say it, if you want to go on a romantic date every week, do it. If you want them to acknowledge you on social media, accept you as their fiancé in public, post it. If you feel that there are intimacy issues, address it even seek help of a counselor. Don’t blindly be in a relationship, open your eyes, open your heart, because you deserve to be respected, recognized and valued.  

Life is way too short to be in an unhappy relationship.