Nagging wives, dominating
husbands, possessive fathers, anxiety stricken mothers, nitpicking bosses… Does
it sound common? All of us have been micromanaged more than once by our family
and immediate family, I can’t find anyone who is not micromanaged. I think my
father is the only one I can think of. Because he is both a dominating husband
and a possessive father and he is his own boss. A legend in his bubble. Apart
from him, I cannot think of any.
We often speak about
micromanaging leaders, and how it reflects on one’s insecurities and anxieties.
But we often don’t speak about how we are being micromanaged in relationships
and the damage it does to such relationships.
Recently I was making cordial, it
is not rocket science. Pour cordial, pour water and mix. My husband who is the
king of the kitchen walks by, instructs me how to stir it. This was in front of
my in-laws so I didn’t make a scene I just said with an eye roll ‘I know how to
make cordial’. In his defense, out of the two, I’m the one who micromanage or
as husbands call it ‘nags’ the most. “bubba eat” or “drink your medicine”. What
I never realized is although I say these within logic and reason, these are how
spouses micromanage each other. (these are subjective, my husband might have
lunch at 5pm and complain about gastric the next day) I believe that spouses
should not give instructions, but give space to do things within their boundaries
while giving each other space to grow.
The relationship which has no
control over is a boss and employee and mostly parents. What we don’t realise
is that over a period of time, the relationship evolves and it comes to a point
where the victim outgrows being micromanaged and looks for an exit strategy,
which will destroy the relationship completely. In a working environment, employee would leave
and hence the quote ‘employees leave bosses not the company’ becomes a favorite.
Parents usually micromanage in a completely different way, even to the extent
where parents want their offspring to marry a choice of their own. A
psychologist I know recently advised a parent on this. She said that it is
important for a person to take responsibility and accountability for their own
actions which gives the ability to deal with circumstances. Children are pressurized
and managed, mostly these children either fall-out with parents at a certain
stage or become dependent on parents forever in a very damaging way. Have you
met men who say: That’s not how my mother cooks dhal to wives?
The whole ‘Our children don’t speak to us, they
don’t tell anything to us’ saga or empty nest syndrome could happen due to the
fact that these children have outgrown being micromanaged, and finally enjoying
peace.
A person who is being
micromanaged is not putting his or her 100% effort towards the relationship,
there is lack of energy and creativity towards the role and it will ruin eventually.
Relationship gets destroyed in different ways, children may turn rebellious,
fall out or completely cut contacts with parents who are overly possessive to
get rid of toxic parenting. Spouses
could take ultimate routes, try to find comfort in extra marital relationships,
and employees will be less productive, and ultimately will leave the company. It
is important to set rules or guidelines but it is also important to develop
decision making skills and respect the boundaries as humans.
Take time to think, are you
micromanaging anyone in your life? Why are you doing it? Do you respect your
relationship enough to make a change? If yes, then do it. Start with baby
steps. Let your spouse, child, parent, subordinate make decisions which
involves their lives. Let them live the way they want, have faith and trust and
believe that they will do it to the best of their ability even if it is a
decision you completely disagree with.
P.S. Watch out, your spouse might
make your house an aquarium if you give too much of space :P
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