To all you single ladies.... why you shouldn't just SETTLE !

I’ve gone through it all, the hustle and bustle of being a Lankan girl. I've had the Lankan aunties and uncles going 'ill find you a nice boy' phase, 'why still single' phase and now I’m going through the 'have a baby soon’ phase. There was one aunty telling me ෂාහ් රුක් ඛාන් ල වගේ නටන්න පුළුවන් මිනිස්සු හම්බවෙන්නේ නැ . උයන්න පුළුවන් හුස්බන්ඩ් ල හීනෙන් තමයි. So basically she told me to settle with whoever who came my way.

Then there was one who told me that height doesn’t matter, her argument was that generally Sri Lankan men are short, so I should marry a short Sri Lankan man. Someone told me that romantic guys don’t exist, they only exist in hindi movies and I should stop watching these nonsense.

For the record I never wanted a 6 footer, neither I wanted a man who is like Shah Rukh Khan. He is a 50+ plus year old man romancing twenty year old girls on screen, who on their right minds want to marry that? But I think somewhere down the line god must have felt extremely sorry for me for listening to all these bullshit so gave me a romantic husband who can cook damn well.

Many might argue with me on this, but I think the generation before us was the most messed up generation. They settled in their marriages, believed that women should settle at a certain age, or their biological clock goes bonkers, should listen to their husbands or boyfriends who take you for granted and then have a big wedding and marry soon without wasting time. I know many who have done this and ended up in divorces. Marrying the wrong person can make you feel lonelier than you ever were. No man or woman can make you happy unless you are with your life. That is the universal truth.

There are different phases in twenties and thirties, that single ones come across, and dealing with it without letting it get to you is the only way out. No one, should marry for the sake of marrying, trust me you are better off single unless you find that person you absolutely love and want to spend the rest of your life with. I've met some amazing people who are very happy staying single, I always envied them. 

I will find a niceeee boy for you

This depends on where you are in life, if you feel that you are emotionally ready to get married and be open to meet a few guys, let them try. There is no harm. There was this one time when I was single for a long time when aunties went ‘ඇත්තටම කව්රුත් නැද්ද’ My reply was ‘නෑ aunty හොයල දෙන්නකෝ’ as a joke but some took it very seriously :P and one gave me the whole shah rukh khan type talk.

Proposals do work most of the time

If your parents, aunts uncles and the entire world are looking for proposals, let them. Don’t be stressed, no one will force you to marry someone. If you have watched ‘Love is blind’, ‘Too hot to handle’ or ‘Married at first sight’ on Netflix you will understand  even in the western world, that many people crave for relationships, ready to explore with an open mind and there are people who are ready to get married. So don’t be ashamed, it can be torture sometimes, but do it with an open mind, you can always talk about them to your girl gang jokingly if it turns out to be horrible.

Biological clock is ticking !

Please don’t marry because you are aging, or someone has a timeline as to when you should have kids. Kids are extremely expensive, hard work and a lot of energy. Unless you and your partner are ready for this, don’t do it for the sake of doing it. The kid doesn’t deserve it, last thing a child want is unhappy frustrated parents to grow up to.

Don’t settle for the sake of settling

If you have a partner and it is not heading towards marriage, don’t force it. A man or a woman, absolutely have to be ready to be married. Those tiny quirks and the habits you notice while you date, are going to magnify when you are married. You have to be ready for all of it, it is not as rosy as it looks but with the right person it can be easy and pretty great too. You both need to be on the same page with this, you cannot rush a marriage, the ones who do have ended up in disasters because parents have pushed them to get married soon. No one is going to live with them but you, that person will be there for you through sickness, pay cuts, covid anxiety to all of it, so don’t do it to satisfy anyone else. But if you too have a timeline in your head and your partner doesn’t seem ready ever, then that’s something to address.

They won’t change after marriage

We are in the 21^st century, yes it is nice to have someone to share your life with, it can be hell if it is not the right person. But you cannot change a person after you marry them, if there are life threatening habits yes you can force a person, but otherwise they will only change if they absolutely want to and most likely, it won’t happen according to your plan or timeline. Certain things will never change.

Be happy with yourself; find happiness within, your career, your looks, your life. Be open minded for a relationship, relationships in thirties work more because you know what makes you tick and what makes you happy. If you find a partner in the right mindset, miracles and fairytales will happen. You both need to be with the right mindset at the right time. Mills and Boons stories, hindi movie plots, Netflix rom-coms… all these were created based on true stories, your love story might be right around the corner, so wait for it.

Don’t settle !

Ghosted? Cushioned? Benched? The Millennial Relationship Checklist !

Being in our thirties, my husband and me have had been through 'taken for granted', being cushioned, being played out in our twenties in past relationships. Sometimes over a drink, when we have a chat about our past, I always wonder why didn’t we end up together few years before. We had to go through the rough patches, to tough stretches to maybe value each other more. We are grateful to god, good karma, and thanks to many other idiots, we are together today. But then you see people taken for granted, being played out… where you wish, so wish that you could blurt it out loud and say ‘honey you are being used, get out of that relationship’ but you cant. Because they themselves have to realise it, see it on their own and call it off.

What are these signs? It definitely may differ from person to person and from what you expect out of a relationship, but some are common for us all. 

1.        Cushion, cushioned, cushioning !

''Nothing is sexier than a man or woman who can face temptation and have the level of maturity to say ‘this isn’t worth losing what I have’’

Cushioning is doing exactly opposite. Cushioning is having many side kicks to keep you comfy and cushy. They have layers of cushions, someone to message on social media with, someone to chat with, someone to talk on the phone with, someone to be intimate with… the list can go on. Some people cushion early in a relationship, when things are still uncertain, but the worst cases happen when someone can do it when they are in a serious relationship.

2.       Bread-crumbing !

I’m sure we all have come across being breadcrumbs at some point. Flirty, fun, casual texts and social media reactions to give you a subtle hint that they might be interested in you but doesn’t take it forward, and some might have a perfect couple picture on social media. So yes, if someone is breadcrumbing you, just bring it openly to the table. There might be a hidden partner who knows nothing about these flirty bombs that he drops.

You should not be a crumb, or dessert, you deserve to be the whole bloody 5 course meal. Move out, if you feel any less than that, believe me it’s not worth it.

3.       Benching

This is what a cushioner would do to you. You are reserved as a girlfriend, or boyfriend. But there is no progress. Many years of dating, but no clear commitment to marry you. If they want to wait till their other sibling gets married to introduce you to their parents, trust me, there’s something wrong. They love attention, flirting, texts and likes on their Facebook profile picture but you are definitely not number one in their lives. Maybe you were at one point, but right now they have so many options altogether but keeping you as a safety net.

Stand up from the damn bench, its time to wake up.

4.       Ghosting or The Slow Fade

Many know what ghosting is, it is completely cutting communication suddenly without any warning. The Slow Fade is cutting it out slowly, giving so many excuses, less meet ups, less and less interest, minimal communication. “I’m so busy at work’’ ‘'I worked late today, came home late’’ it can be even something super simple like this.

If you feel that you are being a victim, address the white elephant. Don’t wait.  

There’s no hard and fast rule, but if your heart says there’s something wrong probably there is. If you feel that he or she might be cheating on you or your friend, the odds are that they are. If you want to have a long phone call every day, say it, if you want to go on a romantic date every week, do it. If you want them to acknowledge you on social media, accept you as their fiancé in public, post it. If you feel that there are intimacy issues, address it even seek help of a counselor. Don’t blindly be in a relationship, open your eyes, open your heart, because you deserve to be respected, recognized and valued.  

Life is way too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

Romali... she Lived . Laughed . Loved... beyond measures, beyond boundaries

There was this phase where I used to write about my best friends, one day Roma told me ‘’write about me after you finished writing about all your best friends, or they will hate me !’’

I wish you could read this Rom, this is to you Dinali De Silva and everyone else who love her !

If Romali saw all these posts on FB she would tell us ‘’oh gosh don’t be so dramatic’’ she would do that famous eyeroll of hers too you know.

‘Romali was beautiful’ is an understatement. She was breathtakingly gorgeous. Someone once told me that she looks like Priyanka Chopra. ‘’Hell no, she is way more hotter’’ someone else who had a crush on her said. The beauty of it is, she didn’t know how gorgeous she was. Sometimes she was genuinely surprised when someone pays her a compliment. She used to blush when someone says she looks good. She was not that Barbie type of girl who would give you a hug or a kiss on the cheek and say ‘’hello !’’. She was a tomboy. She would punch you, hit you, squeeze you or bite you, then will tell you she loves you. She was very mischievous and extremely naughty, I don’t think you can find a picture where she has posed with a poised smile (Okay maybe except her LinkedIN picture) She would widen her eyes, or wink and stick her tongue out for a picture. Her signature pose, we called it. Some days when she used to come to work late and I give her a good lecture, she apologizes. She is not one of those people who justify. When she did something wrong she was guilty. And she just didn’t stay guilty, she went beyond measures to fix it. Whenever she had a deadline at work, she used to send me emails at 1am or 2am at night. She does what has to be done, no excuses.

She was so unpredictable, you didn’t know what she was up to. She followed her heart all the time, never thought about consequences which got her millions of lectures by everyone who loved her. One day she suddenly messaged me on Whatsapp. (And yes she was 24/7 on whatsapp) ‘ I got a tattoo yesterday, don’t tell anyone’ Imagining aunty’s reaction I was like ‘aunty knows?’, ‘no they don’t, I hope they won’t find it out anytime soon’ I think aunty would be the best person to tell this story coz obviously this action of hers got her into a dramatic chaos at home. The tattoo was a trademark and tagline of Romali. Live. Love. Laugh. Romali was full of emotion. She tells you what she feels exactly, nothing more nothing less. She is crazy, one of the healthiest appetites in Colombo, she eats when she needs to and diets when she wants to. Once we received a voucher for a cinnamon buffet lunch at work, and man she did justice. She told me when I was struggling with a plate of pasta, ‘you should never go eat in a buffet men, such a waste you are’ then the next week she diets. And when she does, she goes all out. Sticks to salads. Once we tried doing this ‘fruit flush diet’ at office and she was the only one who continued it till the end. Her level of discipline surprises me. She was never one of those princess type girls, Romali was a gym addict. She loved her workouts. Oh and she is a great cook. Not to make sandwiches, but the real stuff. She used to make this biriyani and butter chicken which I used to love.

She loved her life, she loved going out, checking new places and restaurants. She loved her parties and dancing. Once she called me a ‘party watcher’ saying I don’t have enough fun at parties. One of my favourite things about her was her subtle sarcasm and her sense of humor. The best part of it was that she could laugh at herself. And she did.

Behind the rebellious, mischievous, cheeky girl was a responsible, compassionate, caring soul. If you look closely, you see her mother through her. You will see her beautiful heart. Romali was a giver, she was generous, she was compassionate and extremely affectionate. Her affection and love to everyone she cared about was visible within her whatsapp messages, random hugs she gave, calling ‘fatty’, selfies she takes with them… or she might just say ‘you are such a fool’

She was my crazy little sister, an amazing friend, that one person whome i could count on. She was a person who never judged me, but only loved me.

She was my person...

Romali, Roman, Roma, Goms, Rom, Ro….

LIVED every moment, LAUGHED everyday, LOVED beyond limits….

We love you Romali…

We will LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE. unconditionally… and every time we do, we will think of you…

Drunk confession on love

This is was told to me by a drunk person whose very close to my heart, I wrote down what I remember and I don't think anyone could make such a classy honest drunk confession than this person !

Read and comment if you disagree ;)

"What is love? Can anyone define it? No.

You meet a person and you think you like him, you believe that you are in love and you make a choice to spend rest of your life with that person.

Falling in love is easy, it happens just in a click, you think you can fall in love with a person by looking at him or by listening to him talk, his accent or maybe how his hair flips or I don’t know maybe the way he eats. Its easy, you look and you think – I love him !

But what happens is, we forget, we forget that we are grown people. When we hit thirty we are a finished product. We cannot be customized, you might hate the way he eats or shower or dress, but these habits have been moulded and instilled during twenty something years.

But still you make a choice, to live with it, to live with that person despite all the irritable habits. Because by now, with years of learning and brains you tend to overlook the little things and look beyond. You look into the core of the other person, trying to understand.

Isn’t it all about understanding?

When both people have reached the same level mentally, you tend to understand and accept. Accept all the little things you don’t like, and the habits that irritate you. Why? Its not only love ! it is because you realize that he or she is a complete different person and you respect that difference.

It is all about respecting and accepting the difference.
Then you try to find the balance, that middle ground to connect. It may come from family, school, education, something maybe… Somewhere down the line you find the things that click, that connects you to the other person. Looks fade, lifesytles change… you fall out of love, you fall out of like…

And somewhere down the line, you connect deeply to the core of another person, through disagreements, arguments, fights and so many other differences,
You find a balance,

you find home...."