Micromanagement – The ultimate relationship destroyer!

 

Nagging wives, dominating husbands, possessive fathers, anxiety stricken mothers, nitpicking bosses… Does it sound common? All of us have been micromanaged more than once by our family and immediate family, I can’t find anyone who is not micromanaged. I think my father is the only one I can think of. Because he is both a dominating husband and a possessive father and he is his own boss. A legend in his bubble. Apart from him, I cannot think of any.

We often speak about micromanaging leaders, and how it reflects on one’s insecurities and anxieties. But we often don’t speak about how we are being micromanaged in relationships and the damage it does to such relationships.

Recently I was making cordial, it is not rocket science. Pour cordial, pour water and mix. My husband who is the king of the kitchen walks by, instructs me how to stir it. This was in front of my in-laws so I didn’t make a scene I just said with an eye roll ‘I know how to make cordial’. In his defense, out of the two, I’m the one who micromanage or as husbands call it ‘nags’ the most. “bubba eat” or “drink your medicine”. What I never realized is although I say these within logic and reason, these are how spouses micromanage each other. (these are subjective, my husband might have lunch at 5pm and complain about gastric the next day) I believe that spouses should not give instructions, but give space to do things within their boundaries while giving each other space to grow.

The relationship which has no control over is a boss and employee and mostly parents. What we don’t realise is that over a period of time, the relationship evolves and it comes to a point where the victim outgrows being micromanaged and looks for an exit strategy, which will destroy the relationship completely.  In a working environment, employee would leave and hence the quote ‘employees leave bosses not the company’ becomes a favorite. Parents usually micromanage in a completely different way, even to the extent where parents want their offspring to marry a choice of their own. A psychologist I know recently advised a parent on this. She said that it is important for a person to take responsibility and accountability for their own actions which gives the ability to deal with circumstances. Children are pressurized and managed, mostly these children either fall-out with parents at a certain stage or become dependent on parents forever in a very damaging way. Have you met men who say: That’s not how my mother cooks dhal to wives?

 The whole ‘Our children don’t speak to us, they don’t tell anything to us’ saga or empty nest syndrome could happen due to the fact that these children have outgrown being micromanaged, and finally enjoying peace.

A person who is being micromanaged is not putting his or her 100% effort towards the relationship, there is lack of energy and creativity towards the role and it will ruin eventually. Relationship gets destroyed in different ways, children may turn rebellious, fall out or completely cut contacts with parents who are overly possessive to get rid of toxic parenting.  Spouses could take ultimate routes, try to find comfort in extra marital relationships, and employees will be less productive, and ultimately will leave the company. It is important to set rules or guidelines but it is also important to develop decision making skills and respect the boundaries as humans.

Take time to think, are you micromanaging anyone in your life? Why are you doing it? Do you respect your relationship enough to make a change? If yes, then do it. Start with baby steps. Let your spouse, child, parent, subordinate make decisions which involves their lives. Let them live the way they want, have faith and trust and believe that they will do it to the best of their ability even if it is a decision you completely disagree with.

P.S. Watch out, your spouse might make your house an aquarium if you give too much of space :P

Leadership lessons from the late Prince Philip, a King without a Crown.

 

After watching Crown, I became a huge fan of Prince Philip: regardless of the accuracy of facts and portrayal, his charisma and his strength of a character hits you to the core. His persona and enigma is to die for, and what makes it so real is that he never tried to change who he is through the journey of portraying one of the toughest roles to date.  Leadership traits and behaviors comes in many forms and twists, it is safe to say that the late Prince set an example to many modern leaders despite of being born to a completely different era.

The ‘best second in command’ any leader could have.

Something that often is being said by the leaders on top, it is very lonely at the top. The more higher you climb in the organizational hierarchy, the lonely you get with less and less colleagues to share things with. Every leader needs a No 2, to share troubles and triumphs equally with, Prince Philip treated the queen as another person, as a human being. He was her biggest cheerleader, her strength, her rock. He gave his support and his input to her, while knowing his limits but also knowing when and where she needed him to step up. He encouraged her, guided her and stood beside her through multiple prime ministers to multiple great grandchildren protecting the monarchy, legacy and protecting his queen.

He left his male ego at the door

He left his ego in the aircraft when he was asked to walk two steps behind the queen for the first time when the couple came to London after King George’s death. He was a prince in Greece, an alpha male, head strong personality who accepted the circumstances and gave prominence to the queen. When Queen Elizabeth was crowned as the queen, he had to bow down and pay homage to the queen. His purpose changed, his role was merely to support the queen. Not just once, but during several times he always put his purpose first. He knew the importance of monarchy, he gave it priority while serving the country and the queen for the longest he could.

He wasn’t scared to be bold

He dared to be bold, he was a war hero, and probably why he looked at things differently. He was probably the only one in the royal family who said what he said, and addressed it as it is. He took calculated risks, he encouraged the queen to try out new things within reason as well. He changed with times, and ensured the leadership and institution changed along with it too. He insisted that queen’s coronation should be live telecast on TV and it indeed had a record breaking viewership. Further he convinced the Royal family to do a documentary to show the human aspect of them to general public.

Strength of character undeniable

He was fiercely independent, self-sufficient and opinionated. He is known to be inquisitive and a deep thinker who is competitive. He was a rising star at Navy, who could have undoubtedly been a huge star had he continued. For a personality so strong, to follow a strict set of rules, abide by it and putting purpose first needs a huge amount of strength of character. However his independence was not something that could be kept down, he drove even at the age of 96 and did many things he wanted to do. A doer by nature all his roles and services involved supporting people to action out, experience and learn.

Driven by an unwavering level of duty and strength and dignity, he transformed his role of conventional consort to be a king, a king who didn’t need a crown to be a king.

 

 

How to know if your boss is a bully!

 

We all blame Meghan Markel for washing dirty linen in public, but did she really? On the contrary, don’t you think that she spoke about what she felt because her emotional intelligence was high enough to understand the damage it was causing her wellbeing and mental health so she knew when to quit?

When I talk to my friends outside Sri Lanka, they mention that everyone in Lanka complain about heavy workload and high levels of stress during lockdown and WFH period. Whereas many other developed countries take well-being and mental health very seriously, while we don’t, and we use it to our advantage with our peculiar mindset to think: “ah they must be sleeping during afternoon without doing any work” or “these people don’t work from home, let me load them with work’’ But is it the truth really? I’ve actually lost count when people used to tell me “oh you work from home? Must be getting an afternoon nap ah”

While we are made to believe that we are extremely lucky to have our jobs during Covid, I have heard many incidents where employees quit their jobs because their bosses couldn’t handle the organizational pressure that came hand in hand with Covid19. Basically the bosses were being ‘Assholes” so they had no choice but to quit. Which is an alarming sign, the ones who realise the impact make decisions whereas the ones who don’t realise it will release the pressure elsewhere, either on wives, children or take extreme measures to end their lives.

We all like to think that our bosses are bullies sometimes. But are they truly? Or are we over dramatizing ourselves because of our incompetency’s, workload and personal drama. It is important to know if you are being bullied, because the more unaware you are of it, the greater the impact will be on your life, both physical wellbeing and mental health. Bullying doesn’t mean abusing you verbally or physically, it also means shouting, belittling you, not giving constructive criticism but ඔහේ go on criticizing without giving feedback, or withholding information from you to do your job. Here are few red flags that your boss might be a bully.

Your boss doesn’t offer constructive criticism. Instead of giving constructive feedback do they give useless, meaningless feedback coming across as an insult, yes it is a red flag.

You are never appreciated. You know your performer by hard work and you achieve your KPI’s but it is never enough, instead of appreciating he chooses to belittle you and put you down or indicate that you are not good enough.

Your boss only focuses on revenue, not people. They don’t care if your career goals or your personal growth, they only care about numbers and revenue. Yes it is a red flag

Authority baby, he wants to approve every single thing to the cent. All projects to minor decisions has to be signed off and approved by him.

You are asked to do things outside your moral character. While these could be small requests, but if it questions your integrity then it is a definite red flag.

You are expected to figure things on your own. Your boss doesn’t guide you or give you information to do your job, instead they blame it on you unnecessarily.

Your boss is demeaning and rude. He yells or shouts for no reason, yes it is a big red flag too.

 

What should you do about it?

Firstly identify, understand and accept that it is not you. Take notes, evaluate the situation carefully. How toxic is it for you? Try and evaluate and understand how much it affects you and your mental health. If they makes you feel as if you are not good enough or that they always belittle you, then cut the cord, and move out. Nothing it worth letting it affect your mental wellbeing and sanity. How they treat you is their problem, not yours.  Why should you become a victim? Once you understand you have been bullied, speak to
someone about it. Speak to your support system, get clarity, and speak to your HR.

When you finally learn that a person’s behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle that it ever did with you, you learn grace. Learn the lesson and gracefully bow out. If Meghan Markel left a palace after all, you can leave a toxic workplace.