Ending relationship with a best friend : How can we deal? How can we heal?

 

I started watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S again and watched the episode where Monica gets Rachel and Pheobe to decide on who would be her maid of honor. Rachel had a box collected with a few things for Monica’s wedding, from small days hoping to be her maid of honor. We all can relate to this, because in our generation we all have a childhood bestie who knew your weirdest secrets, heartbreaks, seen you at your ugliest, and accepted the worst version of you. Every best friend at some point in life, have owned you, taken responsibility to protect you from bad relationships and had fallouts with your exes. Every one of us has a Rachel to Monica, Blair to Serena and Christina to Meredith. The episode where Christina leaves Grey’s Anatomy, is way more heartbreaking than anyone dying because, alongside Meredith you grieve for that lost friendship. There are enough playbooks and guides to get over your bad boyfriends but not a single one about how to cope up when you lose your best friend.

Losing a best friend is extremely hard because you feel as if a part of you just left. It can be a fallout, a breakup or simply just losing a friend to any other circumstances. It could be your bestie migrating, a breach of friendship that is too hurtful to continue, or anything else. How do we deal with it? More importantly, how do we heal?

Acknowledge it is over, let yourself grieve

Most of the time, this is unprepared and it hurts you because that is one relationship you never expected to end. Falling out with a best friend who has been your soulmate or person when every other thing went wrong is difficult. It is not something you can brush off, or move on the next day. It is something that will take time to heal, your body will grieve, and it’s okay. Sit with your grief, understand what the loss means to you and accept those feelings wholeheartedly.

Moving on, get the closure you need

Like every other relationship, your friendship needs closure too. After accepting that this person won’t be there for you, understand critically what went wrong. Have you made any mistakes? How can you grow from it? After all, humans evolve, and self-reflection is the best way to do it. It is important to let yourself remember that there were good memories, and keep them a part of you as you carry on to the next phase.

Ask for help, it's okay

You can fall apart, lose yourself, or not know whom to turn to anymore. That is completely okay, healing requires acknowledging everything you feel and taking it one step at a time. You can seek help from other friends, peer groups, and family to overcome your loss. It might be important for your growth to fully comprehend what happened, and get genuine feedback and constructive criticism from people who care about you.

Cherish the friends who are there for you, don’t make it ugly, because who knows, sometimes you don’t choose friends, they are destined.

Set them free, if they are destined to be with you, they will always come back.

 

P.S. Having lost two best friends: one to Leukemia and another to Dengue; all I know is that life is too short to fight over silly stuff, also too short to be in toxic relationships.

Love in the time of Covid-19

I know a few couples who went rough patches during this time, and some who have parted ways. One day I asked my husband, why is that? What do you think of love in the time of Covid.

He said it either makes you or breaks you. Anyone experiencing change of relationships for better or for worse? I think it starts with you as an individual, Covid changed us as individuals completely to begin with, I don’t blame my husband for seeing me as an alien as I sure acted like one at some point.

There are some who actually aced through Covid (there were couples who got married despite so many postponed wedding dates), some survived it, some strengthened relationships with minimum hustle. For the ones who survived I’m sure gave you a completely different outlook. Here are few things that might have happened to us despite age during the new normal.

See the partner through magnified glasses

The habits you knew that existed in your partner heightens during the lockdown, the good, the bad and the ugly habits. In a normal circumstance, you go to work and come home whereas if it is a guy who smokes and wife knows this only partially would actually notice the no of times he smokes. If it is a wife who always speaks to friends on phone, husband despite how many years he was married would have been oblivious to this until he is stuck with her during lockdown to notice it (no not me, unfortunately I was WFH didn’t have time for phone conversations), so during Covid, we see our partner through magnifying glasses. Seeing the unseen and seeing it differently, or things you suddenly notice. These habits become very magnified, blurring the rest of the habits, living in one shared space during lockdowns – I don’t blame anyone for having blurry lines.

Accepting the crazy person you turned out to be during lockdown

Anyone else acted like a crazy person during Covid? We humans fear change, reluctant to accept impermanence despite lord Buddha’s preaching, we suffer. We like stability and certainty. Covid meddled with all that, took away our sanity, security and for some of us even finances took a hit with losing jobs to pay cuts. Psychologically, we try to adapt to all these changes and while doing that we react, to everything that happens around us. Out of fear, out of wanting to protect ourselves and family we act like crazy people. I screamed at my husband for going to find butter for a neighbour during lockdown (yes I still think it was unnecessary) but if I had accepted who he is on a magnified sense (someone who would go out of the way to help someone else) I wouldn’t have reacted in that manner. Each individual adapt, react and respond differently to change, sometimes it wont sync with the other partner, despite how much you say ‘my better half’ he or she is a completely different person adapting to things differently, at a completely different pace.

Micromanagers are born

During Covid, we lost control, we lost control of jobs, social life, security to many things. As a natural instinct, when you lose control in one aspect, you try to control something else. Unfortunately for some of us, we had to embrace over controlling, micromanaging partners. On a normal day, micromanagers have their outlets, be it baking, gym, any other hobby that lets them completely take control. But Covid didn’t give you much resources during lockdown nor space, and it ended up trying to control spouses more and for people who are already victims of micromanagers, it became a deal breaker.

TMI everywhere

Unfortunately for us, Sri Lankan media did a terrible job during Covid. Ridiculously worthless information with no takeaway, there was no accuracy in some, it just freaked people out and many didn’t know what to believe. Again, humans like structure and process, when there was contradicting information overflowing with no one knowing which source to trust, it didn’t help, not when it meddled with your mind and boosting your anxiety levels.

The truth is Covid changed us, all of us psychologically, emotionally and physically. The only way to combat it is accepting that it changed us, accepting that it changed our partners and our priorities. Once you understand how and what triggered these changes, learning to look at it differently with a new perspective would be helpful, realigning your priorities with the partner’s giving each other space to adapt and accept the new you and respecting the difference while supporting the transition is the only thing you can do. Afterall, tough times come, bad days happen, life changes and we adapt, we reconcile, we move on with faith and love for better or for worse.

Patriarchy in the workplace! Let’s try and change it shall we?

 

DIG Bimshani was officially removed from her duties as the DIG in charge, this news threw me off a couple of days back. I saw a lot of memes on about a low Sri Lankan mindset and mentality. Is patriarchy in the workplace common in other countries or it is just Sri Lanka. A leading conglomerate appointed a female CEO a year back, we had the first female prime minister, however Sri Lanka currently stands 116 out of 156 in the global gender gap report in 2021. We are not doing good, but what are we doing to change it?

I have always believed that skills, talent and competencies should trump race, sex or religion in the workplace. No I’m not a feminist, I never have been, but I’m grateful to them for fighting for equal opportunity. Lord Buddha didn’t allow ordination of women for multiple reasons, but for the first time in the history of any religion, he declared that men and women are equal on spiritual grounds, stating that women were capable of attaining spiritual enlightenment being a human despite race, cast or gender.  Starting from ordination, women have forever fought for equality in opportunity.

I was chatting to two of my closest friends: a hot shot sales manager in Melbourne and the other being a tech manager in a global company in the UK. I realized it is a very common, unresolved problem. They admitted with examples how difficult it is for women to climb up the corporate ladder and how tough it is to get that absolutely deserving promotion. Bullying women in a workplace more than men is true, no equal pay for women is a fact.

Many women say ‘I prefer working for men’, ‘women bosses are so difficult to work with’. Why is that? There are lesser women in senior management and the workplace has become a male oriented culture. Because of this toxic masculinity, women unconsciously tend to copy men who are in a powerful place, women tend to uphold to the persona that was built, women have become ruthless and demanding. It is important to be empowered believe in your potential and avoid personifying and living the persona drastic changes could happen.

Women are built with nurturing hormones and maternal instincts. Unfortunately, this beautiful innate quality becomes a curse in the workplace. A woman can be labeled as ‘too emotional’ or ‘dramatic’ when they tend to speak up or bring in a completely different opinion to the table. Women are empathetic by nature and tend to care about coworkers and that has become a key differentiator for an employer, especially during the pandemic, it was important to be empathetic leaders. Research has shown that having women at top positions and diversity has brought in higher employment and better bottom-line.

“A McKinsey Global Institute report finds that $12 trillion could be added to global GDP by 2025 by advancing women's equality.”

In Sri Lanka, women might not bond with male superiors over a smoke neither join drinks in a dingy joint after work. Respecting that choice, respecting that she is going home to her husband and children is important in selecting your next employer.

Ladies, if you are a woman with power in your hand in an organisation, use that to make a change. Women are multi-taskers by nature, let’s use it to empower our female colleagues, we are caring, let’s use it to mentor great leads, and we are emotionally intelligent, let’s use it to be more empathetic. Let’s use it to fight patriarchal mindset in a workplace, let’s fight to bring in that equality for a colleague who is scared to fight for herself.

 

 

Micromanagement – The ultimate relationship destroyer!

 

Nagging wives, dominating husbands, possessive fathers, anxiety stricken mothers, nitpicking bosses… Does it sound common? All of us have been micromanaged more than once by our family and immediate family, I can’t find anyone who is not micromanaged. I think my father is the only one I can think of. Because he is both a dominating husband and a possessive father and he is his own boss. A legend in his bubble. Apart from him, I cannot think of any.

We often speak about micromanaging leaders, and how it reflects on one’s insecurities and anxieties. But we often don’t speak about how we are being micromanaged in relationships and the damage it does to such relationships.

Recently I was making cordial, it is not rocket science. Pour cordial, pour water and mix. My husband who is the king of the kitchen walks by, instructs me how to stir it. This was in front of my in-laws so I didn’t make a scene I just said with an eye roll ‘I know how to make cordial’. In his defense, out of the two, I’m the one who micromanage or as husbands call it ‘nags’ the most. “bubba eat” or “drink your medicine”. What I never realized is although I say these within logic and reason, these are how spouses micromanage each other. (these are subjective, my husband might have lunch at 5pm and complain about gastric the next day) I believe that spouses should not give instructions, but give space to do things within their boundaries while giving each other space to grow.

The relationship which has no control over is a boss and employee and mostly parents. What we don’t realise is that over a period of time, the relationship evolves and it comes to a point where the victim outgrows being micromanaged and looks for an exit strategy, which will destroy the relationship completely.  In a working environment, employee would leave and hence the quote ‘employees leave bosses not the company’ becomes a favorite. Parents usually micromanage in a completely different way, even to the extent where parents want their offspring to marry a choice of their own. A psychologist I know recently advised a parent on this. She said that it is important for a person to take responsibility and accountability for their own actions which gives the ability to deal with circumstances. Children are pressurized and managed, mostly these children either fall-out with parents at a certain stage or become dependent on parents forever in a very damaging way. Have you met men who say: That’s not how my mother cooks dhal to wives?

 The whole ‘Our children don’t speak to us, they don’t tell anything to us’ saga or empty nest syndrome could happen due to the fact that these children have outgrown being micromanaged, and finally enjoying peace.

A person who is being micromanaged is not putting his or her 100% effort towards the relationship, there is lack of energy and creativity towards the role and it will ruin eventually. Relationship gets destroyed in different ways, children may turn rebellious, fall out or completely cut contacts with parents who are overly possessive to get rid of toxic parenting.  Spouses could take ultimate routes, try to find comfort in extra marital relationships, and employees will be less productive, and ultimately will leave the company. It is important to set rules or guidelines but it is also important to develop decision making skills and respect the boundaries as humans.

Take time to think, are you micromanaging anyone in your life? Why are you doing it? Do you respect your relationship enough to make a change? If yes, then do it. Start with baby steps. Let your spouse, child, parent, subordinate make decisions which involves their lives. Let them live the way they want, have faith and trust and believe that they will do it to the best of their ability even if it is a decision you completely disagree with.

P.S. Watch out, your spouse might make your house an aquarium if you give too much of space :P

Leadership lessons from the late Prince Philip, a King without a Crown.

 

After watching Crown, I became a huge fan of Prince Philip: regardless of the accuracy of facts and portrayal, his charisma and his strength of a character hits you to the core. His persona and enigma is to die for, and what makes it so real is that he never tried to change who he is through the journey of portraying one of the toughest roles to date.  Leadership traits and behaviors comes in many forms and twists, it is safe to say that the late Prince set an example to many modern leaders despite of being born to a completely different era.

The ‘best second in command’ any leader could have.

Something that often is being said by the leaders on top, it is very lonely at the top. The more higher you climb in the organizational hierarchy, the lonely you get with less and less colleagues to share things with. Every leader needs a No 2, to share troubles and triumphs equally with, Prince Philip treated the queen as another person, as a human being. He was her biggest cheerleader, her strength, her rock. He gave his support and his input to her, while knowing his limits but also knowing when and where she needed him to step up. He encouraged her, guided her and stood beside her through multiple prime ministers to multiple great grandchildren protecting the monarchy, legacy and protecting his queen.

He left his male ego at the door

He left his ego in the aircraft when he was asked to walk two steps behind the queen for the first time when the couple came to London after King George’s death. He was a prince in Greece, an alpha male, head strong personality who accepted the circumstances and gave prominence to the queen. When Queen Elizabeth was crowned as the queen, he had to bow down and pay homage to the queen. His purpose changed, his role was merely to support the queen. Not just once, but during several times he always put his purpose first. He knew the importance of monarchy, he gave it priority while serving the country and the queen for the longest he could.

He wasn’t scared to be bold

He dared to be bold, he was a war hero, and probably why he looked at things differently. He was probably the only one in the royal family who said what he said, and addressed it as it is. He took calculated risks, he encouraged the queen to try out new things within reason as well. He changed with times, and ensured the leadership and institution changed along with it too. He insisted that queen’s coronation should be live telecast on TV and it indeed had a record breaking viewership. Further he convinced the Royal family to do a documentary to show the human aspect of them to general public.

Strength of character undeniable

He was fiercely independent, self-sufficient and opinionated. He is known to be inquisitive and a deep thinker who is competitive. He was a rising star at Navy, who could have undoubtedly been a huge star had he continued. For a personality so strong, to follow a strict set of rules, abide by it and putting purpose first needs a huge amount of strength of character. However his independence was not something that could be kept down, he drove even at the age of 96 and did many things he wanted to do. A doer by nature all his roles and services involved supporting people to action out, experience and learn.

Driven by an unwavering level of duty and strength and dignity, he transformed his role of conventional consort to be a king, a king who didn’t need a crown to be a king.

 

 

How to know if your boss is a bully!

 

We all blame Meghan Markel for washing dirty linen in public, but did she really? On the contrary, don’t you think that she spoke about what she felt because her emotional intelligence was high enough to understand the damage it was causing her wellbeing and mental health so she knew when to quit?

When I talk to my friends outside Sri Lanka, they mention that everyone in Lanka complain about heavy workload and high levels of stress during lockdown and WFH period. Whereas many other developed countries take well-being and mental health very seriously, while we don’t, and we use it to our advantage with our peculiar mindset to think: “ah they must be sleeping during afternoon without doing any work” or “these people don’t work from home, let me load them with work’’ But is it the truth really? I’ve actually lost count when people used to tell me “oh you work from home? Must be getting an afternoon nap ah”

While we are made to believe that we are extremely lucky to have our jobs during Covid, I have heard many incidents where employees quit their jobs because their bosses couldn’t handle the organizational pressure that came hand in hand with Covid19. Basically the bosses were being ‘Assholes” so they had no choice but to quit. Which is an alarming sign, the ones who realise the impact make decisions whereas the ones who don’t realise it will release the pressure elsewhere, either on wives, children or take extreme measures to end their lives.

We all like to think that our bosses are bullies sometimes. But are they truly? Or are we over dramatizing ourselves because of our incompetency’s, workload and personal drama. It is important to know if you are being bullied, because the more unaware you are of it, the greater the impact will be on your life, both physical wellbeing and mental health. Bullying doesn’t mean abusing you verbally or physically, it also means shouting, belittling you, not giving constructive criticism but ඔහේ go on criticizing without giving feedback, or withholding information from you to do your job. Here are few red flags that your boss might be a bully.

Your boss doesn’t offer constructive criticism. Instead of giving constructive feedback do they give useless, meaningless feedback coming across as an insult, yes it is a red flag.

You are never appreciated. You know your performer by hard work and you achieve your KPI’s but it is never enough, instead of appreciating he chooses to belittle you and put you down or indicate that you are not good enough.

Your boss only focuses on revenue, not people. They don’t care if your career goals or your personal growth, they only care about numbers and revenue. Yes it is a red flag

Authority baby, he wants to approve every single thing to the cent. All projects to minor decisions has to be signed off and approved by him.

You are asked to do things outside your moral character. While these could be small requests, but if it questions your integrity then it is a definite red flag.

You are expected to figure things on your own. Your boss doesn’t guide you or give you information to do your job, instead they blame it on you unnecessarily.

Your boss is demeaning and rude. He yells or shouts for no reason, yes it is a big red flag too.

 

What should you do about it?

Firstly identify, understand and accept that it is not you. Take notes, evaluate the situation carefully. How toxic is it for you? Try and evaluate and understand how much it affects you and your mental health. If they makes you feel as if you are not good enough or that they always belittle you, then cut the cord, and move out. Nothing it worth letting it affect your mental wellbeing and sanity. How they treat you is their problem, not yours.  Why should you become a victim? Once you understand you have been bullied, speak to
someone about it. Speak to your support system, get clarity, and speak to your HR.

When you finally learn that a person’s behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle that it ever did with you, you learn grace. Learn the lesson and gracefully bow out. If Meghan Markel left a palace after all, you can leave a toxic workplace.