Good bye 2009… time to throw all old, dirty linen away… time for a brand new wardrobe…

This year has been hectic, short, mind boggling and irritating… this is one rare occasion where I admit, I learnt lot of things… maybe I grew up so I’m learning or maybe my senseless head is struck by a little bit of sensibility finally…

Year 2009 started like just another day, going to office then thrilled coz it was half day… my first task on Jan 1^st was to buy my sweet sis a b’day gift as she was a depressed 16 year old that day… it was all usual stuff, work, assignments, friends and Leo… the aunty at my workplace became my inspiration…, inspiration to life… she made me think, most of the time she challenged the way I think… which got me always think about the insight and darker side and certain views of anything…

Osh got married in April, but we celebrated the joy of wedding way before April… we were counting days, we were excited, talking on phone for hours… although it was just one day, for us it was an occasion of several months…

I changed my workplace to a better one (well that’s atleast what I thought) however much loyal I’m to any place I work for, the feeling of “your own” never touched me like I was at Ronique… People like Shamilal & Kanchana still manage to be my favourite bosses all along… (tragic but true) Much as a mess it was strangely it was easier than before to deal with impossible people in impossible manners… Maybe finally I have managed to learn the art of diplomacy to listen with patience to people like Jenny, Sampath, Shyama & Stanley (thanks to all these blooming trainers I practice my patience everyday)

But neither my art of diplomacy nor patience ticked right when working with Leos… which always reminded me of my usual rebellion self… Maybe coz I considered them friends more than anything, it hit me losing control always. Obviously some people like Chethaka & Sangeeth were “non-existent” I never bothered about their presence in the first place to be bothered about their actions… but it hurt me bad when people I loved like buddima treated me like shit, it was un-expected and never in million years expected by someone like him… More than everything it hurts to see years of friendship in trash just for some silly reasons linked with some silly people… One thing I’m still grateful for is sorting everything out with Milanka and Das…, I’m still thankful for them for coming and talking to me…, atleast I still had 2 of my most favourite Leos in my life whom I always considered as a sis and a broJ

I got depressed on my birthday and it was very sweet of my friends to give me a sweet surprise... of course since Chathu had told me I wasn’t very surprised, but extremely touched and happy for the effort they went through… well when some friends go out of your life some fill that space by being closer than ever before…

Meeting old friends, meeting old class mates were one hell of a BONUS this year… One of my favourite times was the times we spent when pachee was back… we all have grown up in different ways in different styles, but it still feels insanely the “same” when we meet up…just the same old school days, same loud voices as ever… more than everything when you meet old friends you are hanging on to the memories of the past which you never wanna let go… despite the distance and meeting up “once in a blue moon” it feels great to meet them and this time I cherish them for being a part of my life than ever before…

I have changed in many ways… and strangely have started to accept for people for who they are more than before… Two people have made me think differently this year, one is aunty and the other is someone who is 3500 miles away… thanks to them I’ve learnt looking at life in different ways which blessed me with many realizations this year…

I’m still rude and direct, have actually blocked many people out of my life… some with hurt, some with total negligence but never with guilt… but finally one thing kicha managed to make me realize this year, to delete people who haunt your past… who would not let you go to future with no strings… so finally, despite all arguments I have with kicha I realized the truth he tried to make me see.. so thanks to kicha I’m learning to let go of past and leaving people behind who are not worth sharing a friendship in 2010.

So with all unwanted trash away, next year I have time for the people whom I actually care about… specially my parents, whom I have been neglecting totally….

2010 is scary… it freaks me out… I don’t know what the hell will happen with my job, or career… how life would end up for better or for worse… who will be in my life, who will go out of it… and again reminds me to stick to what my inspiration told me “next year get rid of all the dirty linen… its time for a brand new wardrobe”

Are you worth a second chance?

There is a saying “you never get a second chance to make a first impression” Sometimes second chances work out way better than the first because you learn from your mistakes…

After all life is everything in life is about giving and receiving… you cant expect to receive a chance if you are not ready to GIVE… this also includes yourself…

It’s not easy to give someone a second chance when the first chance is already screwed... screwed up big time… screwed in a way which costs you quite a high price… Sometimes it might be few years or maybe a lifetime…

Life is a learning curve, you make mistakes… you regret… ask for forgiveness and end up doing mistakes again… Sometimes you wish you could re-wind life or press delete button for certain memories so you don’t have a memory of a chance you gave, lost or received... Running away from a memory that haunts you… Desperately trying to distract yourself to forget what you regret doesn’t work all the time… short run yes, but in a longer run it makes you more depressed…

You cant expect another person to give you a second chance if you, yourself is not sure if you are worth it… Running away from an open chance, open opportunity and running away from yourself is pathetic and believe me it doesn’t help anyone in any way…

The only reason they don’t give you another chance is coz they’ve been hurt… betrayed…. And maybe shattered... and sometimes it might be beyond repair... what guarantee do they have to come running behind you that it wont repeat once again.. . How can you guarantee it wont happen again, when you are running away instead of trying to convince…

You pay for your own mistakes, but torturing yourself is stupid and crazy… its high time you get a grip of and stop running away from yourself and think if you are worth a second chance….

Sometimes you might be worth more than you realize… take time, think and see… are you worth a second chance?? then fight for it...

when we go through "The Twenties Crisis"....

When we were in our teens we always thought we are facing the toughest phase in life… of all the things we did our greatest worry was how to load credits to the phone coz we are already broke for the month.. When we reach twenties... we are still broke, irrelevant whether we are earning or not… But the least we are worried about is how much of credit left... Ironically although we spent millions of times at that age looking at the phone thinking “ring dammit ring” now we wish we never had credit and sometimes wish it will stop ringing… Screening calls and conveniently ignoring a ringing phone has become a part of our everyday life…

Suddenly we stop following the trends and fads when we realize it doesn’t suit us… we be bold enough to stand by what we believe in… less influential than we ever were but wondering where we are and what the hell we are doing…

In teens we think falling in love was the greatest thing ever… look forward to experience the greatest feeling in the world.. in twenties we never want to fall in again.. we are terrified of getting hurt like before, but secretly dreaming “maybe that perfect partner would suddenly appear…”

We were confused at that time only about the crushes we had.. but now we are confused about ourselves.. our life.. where it leads and where we want to end up… suddenly we realize we are not strong in our beliefs as we did many years ago. Ambitions we had many years ago are not the same anymore.. We realize the priorities are different than what it used to be and suddenly thinking of all these confuse us…

We suddenly realize we are not strong as we were in your teens, we don’t have faith or belief in ourselves coz we have contradicted ourselves from what we wanted… Ambitions, priorities, likes and dislikes have changed… we feel that we are newly born and growing up…
We remember how we fought with some of our friends vowing ourselves we will never talk back.. Suddenly years later we realize we have given up one of our true real friends up just for some stupid reason… and realize its too late to mend things back coz we have missed many years between our lives..

In teens we always think we are right.. we were so judgmental and full of advice.. we bragged about doing the correct thing in life.. but now we realize that all of us make mistakes, we know we do wrong things, but still do coz that’s what we want to do and accept mistakes of other people as a part of life… sometimes support mistakes without being judgmental…

In teens we were terrified of getting low marks leave aside failing in exam or losing a game.. In twenties we accept failing is a part of life, a part of what we are... and actually grateful for failing coz it made us stronger… and finally when we win, we are genuinely happy for the effort we put in…

We are not afraid of falling to the bottom anymore... coz we have already faced the rock bottom… we try to climb out of it with the strength we have left in life… But like in teens we are still afraid of change... we always wonder how life will change and where it will end up…

Only thing common between then and now is we still laugh a lot… maybe we have learned to laugh through tears better than before… It has come to a point where we still laugh when we are sunk in a world of shit and say “shit happens”
We still try to hang on to our dear old teen age… we still surf through facebook, still making it a habit to sneak peak our most favoured profiles ;) coz we still believe a part of us will always be with us..

We value life for what we blamed in teens… how much of a pathetic cases we ended up in, we value our family, our job, our friends and our life than ever before.. We attempt to hang in there when at times when see everything breaking up… we don’t give up.. we just hang in there accepting life as it comes coz you know its not easy…

We have learned to move on.. to let go… to give up.. to compromise.. to sacrifice… to forgive..to forget.. to love, live and laugh like never before…

its all a part of life in twenties.. quarter life crisis.. ;)

No wonder middle aged people are frustrated.. after all mid life crisis might be at least twice as frustrating as this isn’t it ;)

Once upon a time… my world was all about Stephen Gately….

There is a time in life we get obsessed with a person… Obsessed enough to record his songs, listen to it on and on… then think about how cute he is…

I was just 12 years when I started falling in love with Boyzone… Grade 7 was a crazy time in crazy old days to talk about non stop about your favourite song… “Love me for a Reason” was my favourite song in grade 7 and one of my all time favourites till now… It was when I got obsessed with the cute dark haired guy in Boyzone.. I hated Ronan Keating… I thought it was unfair that he is the lead singer when Steve had the best voice…

The cute guy in Boyzone was my first poster…, my first obsession and my first crush… I always thought backstreet boys were cheap and annoying… it bugged me like nothing when Backstreet Boys made it on top of the charts every week… but tragically almost all my friends liked backstreet boys more… Specially that mushroom idiot nick carter…

I never knew the name of the cute guy is Stephen Gately till I saw the video “Key to my life” I was very insulted and jealous to see him flirting with his teacher… how could he? and in school for a long time, that became a topic… I think rasi and I were the only two loyal fans who argued got pissed off and defended him at that time...

There were times, millions of times we fought over nick carter and Stephen gately… me and nips didn’t speak to each other for sometime because I told her that Nick looked like a girl… and she told me Stephen had a girly voice… But everytime I found a poster or song lyrics of Backstreet Boys I gave them and they found me Posters and lyrics of Boyzone…

I still remember how we all saved pocket money to buy “Smash Hits” mag… How we had a competition of whose song book is the best… and whose poster book was the best… It wasn’t easy to collect song lyrics that time... we had to wait and wait for the Sunday Paper to get lyrics and on Monday it was a fight going on in class about the song…

I was very hurt and heartbroken the day I heard he is GAY.. Obviously nick fans were thrilled to hear the news… but still we never believed it… I still don’t.. he he

That I can see
A change in me
But I won't go back cause that's behind me
And after all
Strong words are spoken
My heart will never be, never be, never be
Never be...

Isn't it a wonder
As a new born baby cries
Isn't it a wonder
With the sweetness in my eyes
And isn't it a wonder
On the crossroads of my life
Isn't it a wonder
Isn't it a wonder to me….

This note is for all the memories he brought to my mind when I heard the shocking news… and to all my crazy friends who shared the crazy memories waaay down the memory lane… love you all…

its all about moving on...

“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.”

Everyday life moves on, its either from yesterday to tomorrow... or from your ex or maybe from your own self.. I see many status updates daily on facebook about moving... Its either moving to a new place or moving on from something which is hard to leave behind...

It doesn't matter from where you move, either from Florida to DC or SL to Melbourne. Or might be your current job to a new one. What makes it tough is the decision you made to move... People struggle hard when it comes to make decisions.., of shifting a mindset from what it is to another... Differentiating your thoughts and analyzing the facts without going on with the same process of thinking, which takes effort and time.. Believe me it can stress you out like never before...

At most times its difficult to move on although you have no option left.. Sometimes the hardest is to move away from people you care about (atleast that's what everyone says)but when you actually have to do that in practice it sucks big time.. I give long lectures to friends of mine who were struggling to move on from people, people they love, which reminds me that i really really should practice what i preach...

Who says its the hardest to move on from only people you have known for a long time.. If that's the case, i should be shot dead (yes, my friends are in the process)
Sometimes in life you do the weirdest things... In my defense, you never feel butterflies in your stomach for people you've known for a long time right?

There are times we do open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But that always gives a comfortable feeling and homely so you never ever rarely want to move on...

But sometimes you get the most exciting, most challenging and most magical feeling on earth for someone you've just known for few hours... Is that magic? or just illusion which i have never experienced before... After all is it possible to feel a magic 3500 miles away...?

My friends are right, I should be doing what a normal person does...What a normal intelligent, sensible person does... i should MOVE ON!!!

coz,
Love can sometimes be magic...But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion...

chocolate vs butterscotch???

Remember when chocolate was your favourite ice cream? You love the rich taste and eat a bowl full although it gives you a severe migraine later on... People say Vanilla is the best but you hate it.. It’s too sweet and boring to switch from chocolate...One day you’re given a choice between Vanilla and strawberry... you don’t know how strawberry is like, but chose it over vanilla and realize its awful... Now since you chose it you have to eat the entire bowl anyway...

Wish you had vanilla instead? You already know the taste… At least it doesn't want to make you puke like strawberry does...you regret the fact you went for the pink flavour which you thought would be better than vanilla... But apart from the yucky taste what you hate most is the surprising little chunks of strawberry you get in middle...

Sometimes exploring opportunities is good. Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it’s horrifying. But you will never know how it will be unless you explore...

You will be stuck in a world of chocolate not knowing its the best if you wont taste vanilla and strawberry...

Then suddenly you taste butterscotch... You are amazed with the creamy taste plus it has caramel sauce on top of it with nuts... And the best part is, it doesn't give you that killer migraine… wonder what a fool you were to stick to chocolate, when you had that perfect perfect taste... will you still eat chocolate as a habit? i don't think so...

Some habits are inevitable. Some are not. Some are optional to change. What makes it hard is to realize the difference in between...

When you chose butterscotch over chocolate, does it mean you love butterscotch more? No, you are still that girl in the chocolate world...

Maybe there are times you don't always have to choose what you love most... you need to choose the best which suits you depending on where you stand..

You are still that chocolate girl who eats butterscotch…

Your favourite? is still chocolate...

What happens when you taste chocolate chip mint?????